“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
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i hope my email finds you on fire
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
That’s it.I’m out.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.