“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
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“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it