Is….Is this an option?
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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
A leaf blower, but for people.
My neck my back my allergy attack
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.