Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
You Might Also Like
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Love is in the air fryer.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Order here:
More here:
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
thanks auntie mary