I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
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Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
he’s doing your taxes
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.