Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
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One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Bed should get ready for ME
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
scrabbled eggs
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic