is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
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Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”