@Robert_Beau: It's so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

@Discourt: I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn't have to hear her say she's done.

@pinupteacher: [blind date] "Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos." *huge sigh* LEGO. It's called Lego.

@crayan9: Why do people say clean as a whistle? Whistles aren't clean, they're full of spit

@w00f_w00f: Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.