Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?