“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
Itâs like regular tennis but without the racket.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now Iâm trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didnât forget.
âwhere do you see yourself in-â
iâm just tryna make it through the day bro
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I can’t be the only one đ
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked âwho do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?â Iâm not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but Iâm definitely the most confusededist.
Well, well, well, if it isnât the consequences of my own food choices.
Android Oreo announced today; youâll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldnât be feeding them this crap
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.