Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
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My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.