Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
black phone good
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I’m having an out of money experience.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
mom gave me mine for free
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”