@JamieDMJ: Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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@ThisOneSayz: *getting caught filling up neighbor's trash can* Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
@mess_of_petals: [My relationship with TV] There's nothing on. *watches nothing for the next six hours.
@CroweJam: The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.
@bombscribe: If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have? No chance of blocking an uppercut.