Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
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I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Children of the corn 🌽
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.