@themorris23: Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: "Toast"
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@TheRealPiney: I'm quitting drinking for a year. *I'm quitting. Drinking for a year. Sorry, punctuation is everything.
@aaroncoal: I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
@TheAlexNevil: Me: If I had to choose between saving you or saving a stranger, I'd always pick you. How 'bout you? Dog: No question--I'd save me too.
@AristotlesNZ: I don't like telling people I used to be a stalker. It sounds better saying "I spent a lot of time studying a broad."