@themorris23: Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: "Toast"
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@Jazzzzzmina: Thank God I wasn't on twitter when I was in college. It would've taken me 65 years to get my degree.
@ChaseMit: "We're not so different, you and I," Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
@ericsshadow: One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.