Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
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Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Risking my life for fun.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes