I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.