Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it ππππ
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerryβs
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
If I had a time machine Iβd bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
βThe Last Voyage of the Demeterβ is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it βBitey Boatβ.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Donβt hate me cause Iβm beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself βdonβt leave your phone on the roof of the car, womanβ.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like Iβve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I wear black because itβs slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?