Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.