*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
ok this is my dumbest yet
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]