@chuuew: Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so.
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@U_Want_Shum_M8: Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry! ME: Don't you mean history? R: Don't change the subject! *Both start laughing
@bobvulfov: WAITER: how was everything ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
@mostlydelirious: Phone just autocorrected "your" to "yore" in case thou wouldst think I'm smarter than thee.