Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
October already? What’s next? November????
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
best review i’ve ever seen
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I only eat vegetarians.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
When someone says you are so lazy
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit