I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.