My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
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You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Just a reminder, folks:
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.