I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
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For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.