@michaelianblack: Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I'm never like, "Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?"
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@ItsAndyRyan: Noah in a pet shop "Two of every animal please" "Want any unusual examples?" "No, just arky-types"
@EmilyZDavis: I can't believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
@HumorParasite: Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
@adult_mom: [me as an uber driver] yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable