@TheTobbie: Is it racist that I've been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she's actually 5 white chicks?...
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@rockymomax: ME: this is great INSTRUCTOR: you've never used a gun before, huh? ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
@ImAlexOliver: Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn't satisfy me anymore.
@duplicitron: Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.
@drunktweets81: My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.