@TheTobbie: Is it racist that I've been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she's actually 5 white chicks?...
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@jasonroeder: I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.
@Browtweaten: *God invents corgis* God: what ingredients do we have left Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet God: lol check this out
@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old thinks that there's a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won't get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
@Breadery: *Sat talking to a girl at a bar* Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely. Me: I AM SMELLING YOU Brain: Why do you hate me?