I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.