@Awesome_Todd: Is it "raymen" noodles or "rawmun" noodles? I don't wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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@daplusk: [on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
@BeCoco77: I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person
@InternetHippo: "What are you doing, idiot?" – me, to other drivers on the road "What are you doing, idiot?" – me, to myself, in all other situations
@deadstick_ron: [egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out] Mummy duck:... Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.