@Awesome_Todd: Is it "raymen" noodles or "rawmun" noodles? I don't wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"
@Paulmay018: Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
@murrman5: [interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes
@chuuew: "Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?" "Go on then" "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" "That's Superman" "Thanks, I've been practicing."