@YourMomsucksTho: Is it really too much to ask for a pregnancy test commercial where the lady sees the two lines and starts laugh crying and the guy shits his pants?
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@MelKassel: HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire HIM: i meant like- ME: everyone claps
@ShortSleeveSuit: Mom: Where’s your brother? Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes Mom: Mosh? Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
@joshwillhall: My boyfriend: *leaves the room* The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean. Me: right? He's weird today. How's your husband? FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage Me: that's rough janet.