You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
You Might Also Like
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.