is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
You Might Also Like
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.