@ChrisStephensMD: Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that's already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
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@AristotlesNZ: Me: I said no cookies! 4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia! Me: How'd you get amnesia? 4yo:.. Me:.. 4yo: I don't remember. Me: Well played..
@CoolCamel69: *catcher puts 1 finger down* *pitcher shakes head* *puts 2 fingers down* *nods* (catcher to umpire) "can we take a break? he has to poop"
@JElvisWeinstein: They're calling the Patriot thing "Deflategate?" I was hoping they'd go with "Ball-o-caust."
@tararose711: My 3yo's bedtime stories include: "Three-Hour Run-On Sentence," followed by, "Ask For a Drink 500 Times," and finally, "You Skipped a Page."