Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
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Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
This headline is a thing of beauty
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
How to draw a duck
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I remember when things only cost an arm.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.