Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
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her: i only eat like once a day it鈥檚 called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I鈥檒l start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I鈥檒l be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Got him!
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
It鈥檚 like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I don鈥檛 moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.馃檭
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it鈥檚 an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it鈥檚 going to wake my toddler.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Waiter: don鈥檛 touch the plate, it鈥檚 extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I鈥檓 sorry, Dave. I鈥檓 afraid I can鈥檛 do that.”
“What鈥檚 the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Don’t we all.