Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
the three branches of government