Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more