Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*swipes right on my hand mirror
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons