Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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This is amazing.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours