Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*