Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I wish I were this cool 😂
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo