*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
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I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
had to share :’)
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.