morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.