I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
You Might Also Like
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!