Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Gods work.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…