Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.