@jollyrobber: Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
@kevinrowe1: Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, "My twitter girls would do that"
@CornOnTheGoblin: me: [performing autopsy] so I've been practicing my ventriloquism assistant: now's not the time corpse: aw come on
@MattElGato: *intercom comes on* "Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"