Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?