Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Donkey Kong sommelier
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids