who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
You Might Also Like
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
This squirrel eats better than I do
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
vegan witches, happy halloween!
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
How do you like your Corgi?
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*