ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
👾👾👾
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Am I having a stroke?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends