Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
i smell a pulitzer
scrabbled eggs
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
saving face 👀
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!