Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Social Media and Real life
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture