My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
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Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation