Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.