is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
choose your gary
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
When I said I liked it rough.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know