Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
So creative 😂
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*looks at you in batman voice*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Cannot stop laughing at this
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen